Tuesday, January 23, 2007

The Wrath of Crappy

Time Out New York, in their infinite stupidity, printed a column in this week's issue entitled, "Fib Notes: A handy guide to getting yourself out of - or into - almost any situation through the power of prevarication." Yes, that's right: a guide on how to lie. This was not in their comedy section, it was their cover story. So here's what they wrote about us out here in the boondocks:

The situation: You don't want to admit you live in Kew Gardens.
Standard lie: "I live on the East Side. The Very Far East Side."
Deluxe lie: "I live in KewGar. Did you see that big story about it? It's the next big nabe."

Crappy says, "Hey TONY, Kiss my cold metal ass!"

(And that's before he gets off the bowl!)

The Crapper has never been ashamed to say "I live in Queens." Anyone who is must not hail from around these parts and/or has self-esteem problems. Although a big thank you goes out to the editorial staff at TONY for keeping the yuppie population out of my neighborhood.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

I hope Crappy will use the pages of TONY to wipe his ass. Just like I usually do!

Anonymous said...

Lets face it guys, the same talent that is behind the uglification of Queens are doing a lousy job of promoting our borough's image.

We saw "Night at the Museum" the other day, and when Ben Steller was about to lose his job and apartment he was branded a loser. It was not because he was leaving Manhattan (he was already in Brooklyn) but was thinking of moving to Queens.

His exwife and son wanted nothing to do with him. Why? Well my friends, because it seemed that moving to Queens was the last definition of being a loser.

Now I pose a question to you? How is it that a borough, that within living memory, went from the very defintion of smart suburban-style living, second only to Manhattan, is now the home for David Letterman's never ending cabbie put down jokes.

Anonymous said...

Ha, ha, ha, ! Imagine all of those parochial Manhattan "queens" who'd rather exist in a "shoebox" than live in Queens!

Anonymous said...

While you "easily- manipulated- living- beyond -your means-status- seekers" are flushing away your expensive rental money into your rent-gouging landlords' pockets every month, we here in Queens prefer to tuck the money we're saving into our bank accounts! So who has the last laugh ? Ah the high price of Manhattanites keeping up appearances!

Anthony said...

Like stated in the original post...If it keeps those fake, plastic, my three year old is in therapy - hipster Manhattan trash out of here...Then thank you TIME OUT & keep printing.

I know quite a few people that live in Manhattan - ever notice that a majority of people from Manhattan (who refer to themselves as "real New Yorkers"), are originally from out of town?

Anonymous said...

Yeah, 4 girls from Nebraska sharing a one bedroom in the "big borough" hoping to get a bite of the "Big Apple". Maybe with fond hopes of landing a job as an actress in a soap-opera, while waiting tables! Honey, you're living in a sit- com! Go back to farming!

Anonymous said...

Look folks, the borough's image started with Archie Bunker ("All In The Family") , then came "The King Of Queens" yadda, yadda, yadda, to be followed by the mediocre likes of smilling Helen Marshal etc. etc. etc.! We're one step up from Staten Island , the Siberia of N.Y.C. That's the way that the Landmarks Preservation Commission also sees us . We're #4 down the list on their designations chart! I think that maybe it's time for Brooklyn, Queens and the rest of Long Island to form its own new state!

verdi said...

Interesting! If long Island were to leave and become a new state, then our island would be bigger than their's. After all, size does matter!

Queens Crapper said...

Speaking of which, TONY also made reference to All in the Family in this issue, too, when it described Zum Stammtisch as "a cozy, stein-filled throwback in Archie Bunker's old neighborhood."

Anonymous said...

Our best camoflage lies in the image we have, that Queens is a crumby place to live! We don't want hordes of Manhattan snots selling their pigeon hole condos and moving out here, do we? It's bad enough that we have to put up with them during the tennis games of the U.S. Open each year! I must confess that I love to watch them scurry back on the #7 train to their broom-closets hoping to slurp down some quick lattes at Starbucks while they do their e-mail! Queens is NYC's best kept secret!

Anonymous said...

Well, maybe the area needs some new blood, particularly in its leadership (no I do not mean new clones chosen by the machine).